Illusions of Bliss
by FooZater
Summary: Post Endgame. Kathryn deals with illusions of her future life with Chakotay in the AQ that she kept safely tucked inside the Bonding Box.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Paramount, unfortunately, owns everything!

AN: Yes, another post Endgame story. I have included a lot of the events from Isabo's Shirt by Kirsten Beyer in here so it might help if you have read Distant Shores, however it's not imperative! As it evolves, I may use some of the events in the newer books as well - just a warning! I hope you enjoy and apologies for any mistakes!

Feedback good and constructive is always welcome - it helps tickle my muse :)

* * *

"Once again, Captain - welcome home." Admiral Paris's smile said almost more than his words and Kathryn returned the smile just as warmly and nodded before the Starfleet insignia on her view screen replaced his face. Her smile faltered and she let out a long breath as she eased further into the chair she sat in.

Home. They did it. She was finally bringing Voyager home. With a little help from Admiral Janeway they had stuck it to the Borg Queen and blasted into the Alpha Quadrant just hours ago. They were currently one week out - destination, Earth. She allowed a small smile as she thought on that, and back to that moment when they had erupted from the exploding Borg Sphere finding themselves in the Alpha Quadrant, an armada of Starfleet vessels peppered on the view screen.

She remembered the swell in her stomach as it pushed up inside her, burning in her throat - she had wanted to cry with relief, with joy, with absolute pure celebration. But she pushed it back as she thought of the Admiral, and was overwhelmed with sorrow and appreciation. The Admiral had done it, she had made this happen. She was responsible for the burden that seemed to slide off Kathryn in those moments as her head dipped, her shoulders fell and her spirit let go of the years of doubt, self hatred, guilt and recrimination that she bound herself to daily in the Delta Quadrant. The Admiral had done that. And her crew. It felt wonderful.

And horrible.

After the joy came, and the burden went, Kathryn soon became aware of something much, much worse in its wake. Emptiness. It was the only way she could describe what she felt in that moment. She had then made an announcement and a heartfelt thanks to the entire crew and immediately left the bridge in Chakotay's hands to start preparations on the report to Admiral Paris. At least, that's what she had said to Chakotay. But when she entered the safety of her sanctuary an icy chill began to shake her and the emptiness crept deeply and darkly inside, gnawing at her very soul and she found her world frozen. She spent hours trying to chase it away, by report writing, shooting communiqués all over Voyager and to Admiral Paris. It was almost starting to work. Until he had appeared.

"Come in," she called absently as she stared at a message from Admiral Paris and tried to read the first sentence for the third time, unable to concentrate.

Soft footfalls slowly approaching brought her eyes up to see Chakotay. He was beaming at her. As soon as she looked at him the icy fingers from earlier returned with a fierceness that made her flinch so much, that she bolted up out of her seat in a desperate effort to hide her discomfort.

"I came to see if you would like a celebratory drink," he explained, still smiling, and for now, seemingly unaware of her despair. She was moving now, and smiled softly with a nod, not daring to look at him as she made for the replicator. She needed something to still her hands, something to distract her, and him.

She could sense him turning to observe her and out of the corner of her eye she noticed he was pulling something from behind his back.

"No need," he said, sensing her target and she glanced over to see him swinging a bottle of champagne in front of his chest. She sighed as she took in the grin that consumed his face, the dimples that she loved to see and the way his eyes were dancing happily. He looked overjoyed. And then suddenly, his hand was lowering the bottle, the dimples were gone and…

"What's wrong?" He was moving towards her but she was also moving - away from him. She had let him see it, transfixed as she was with the happiness he radiated, that she was momentarily much too distracted to hide the black hole that was growing within her.

"Nothing." She smiled but she could tell he wasn't convinced.

"Captain," his tone conveyed disbelief and concern. She waved a hand at him as she now sat down on the sofa.

"Its just a little overwhelming is all," she explained, watching him sit beside her, placing the champagne on the small table in front of them.

"Of course," he replied. "But you look like someone stole your puppy…" he began, as he rested a hand on top of hers, which were wringing on her knee. "Not like you just kicked the Borg's ass, and got your crew back home." He flashed that smile again and she smiled in return.

_No, not my puppy._

She took a deep breath, fixing her eyes on his hand, now squeezing and stilling her worrying fingers, and wondered if she launched up again - how she could possibly explain her jumpy behaviour.

_I drank too much coffee…_

_I can't bare you to touch me…_

_I don't feel anything…_

_I can't…_

"You're right," she exclaimed, grinning and pulling her hands from his, she got up as slowly as she could control. "Let's have that drink!" She put on her best Captain's mask and made for the replicator to get glasses, noticing he had neglected to bring some. As she returned and he poured, the silence had her frightened that he wasn't going to give up that easily – he never did when he thought something was bothering her. He was like a dog with a bone. And she was certain that right now, she was possibly doing worse than ever before to hide her pain.

Then the glass was in her hand and his eyes were looking at her expectantly, but with mirth.

_Or maybe the dog had found a new bone…_

She immediately chided herself for that thought as it brought with it a fresh wave of agony and she swallowed at the bile that rose in response.

"To Voyager," she toasted.

"To family," he said, smiling and raising his glass.

Tuvok had interrupted them then and she had never been so glad to get out of her ready room or away from Chakotay in her life. After dealing with Tuvok's request to oversee his latest report and check several issues that arose from their battle with the Borg she made her excuses again but this time, retreated to somewhere she hoped would discourage as little disturbance as possible: her quarters. This was where she now sat many hours later, reports finished, Admiral Paris briefed and speeding towards Earth.

Alone with the darkness again. Her stomach flipped once again and she moved for her coffee cup in the hopes of warring against the constriction in her throat with the bitter liquid - only to find it empty. She pinched the bridge of her nose instead, allowing her other hand to grasp the edge of the desk she sat at for further composure.

In all her years out there, she had always imagined that the day she would reach the Alpha Quadrant would be one of the most uplifting, exultant days of her life, and yet so far it was petitioning for one of the worst.

She was happy for her crew, she truly was. And she was grateful to have been able to at least shorten the price they had to pay for her decision seven years ago. After meeting and observing Admiral Janeway she was more convinced than ever that sooner was always better than later. The woman had grief and pain etched into her very being, in every glance, in every touch, in every bark.

But somewhere along the journey, she had also wanted this for herself too. She had imagined fireworks, family, real coffee, fresh air, the ocean, old friends and new opportunities. And most of all, new opportunities with old friends.

A few years ago she had given Chakotay a birthday present that ended up causing not only one of the most embarrassing moments she experienced in the seven years they spent together, but also one of the most hopeful. Even years before, she had been aware of the deep attraction and growing love that she felt for her first officer, but the gift had spilled everything out into the open, including their feelings. And so they had been forced to deal with something they had tiptoed around, flirted over, and smothered in fleeting touches and angry warrior stories.

And that kiss. She had marveled for days afterwards on how she had managed to break that kiss. It had been amazing, erupting strings of emotions within her that danced and sang and permeated parts of her with feelings that she had never felt before. But she had broken it - she had to. And even after they resolved the situation, she knew she was forever changed by that kiss. That kiss made her want to get home for herself, for him and certainly, as fast as possible - so she could do it again, and again. And if his assumption of her willingness to enter into 'an exclusive loving relationship' was anything to go by, she intended to do it everyday henceforth, for the rest of her life.

She blinked back tears as she thought back on that night, and to a moment where she was also distraught as she tried to explain to him why they couldn't explore what was clearly between them.

_"The way you make me feel… the things that move in me when I let myself imagine everything we could have… it isn't a safe love… a love I can control. It's the other kind. It's what I had with Justin, I lost that once. It wasn't my fault, and it still almost destroyed me. That's what I'd be risking, for a soft place to rest my head at night. So you tell me. You think it's worth the risk while I'm trying to get this ship home?_

_"I'm not saying never… I'm saying not now… not until I'm no longer responsible for your life."_

Then he had told her another legend. She had fallen irrevocably in love with him after the first legend he had spun to her, and had been assured they would one day be able to explore that love together with the second one.

Ironic that their romance would begin and end with his legends. It began on a distant planet in another quadrant and it had ended that day in the holographic Venice. Because she had to wait… and he didn't.

And more importantly, he **hadn't.**

She had lost him. A sticky, heavy wave of grief descended upon her and the hand that had been gripping her desk now glided timidly to falter over the small drawer to her right. She opened it with trepidation and sadly laid her eyes on some of the birthday gifts he had given her… and one that she had given him.

The Bonding Box.

Or rather, the one she had given to him, he had changed and given back to her, requesting that she present it to him again when they got home. She let her fingertips graze over the symbols on the surface of the box. The symbols she had used originally had been the crux of the whole misunderstanding. She had intended them to mean loyalty, dedication, kindredness and life long friendship but he interpreted them as a commitment to love. Romantic, everlasting love.

She gently lifted it into her hands and cast her mind back to the day he had given it back to her and how she had questioned why he had changed the markings on it.

_"So this symbol… it's another word for love?" she asked him, examining the box in confusion._

_"Actually, it means 'hope.'"_

Hope was what had rallied her, in a moment of madness, to change those symbols back recently. She had done it once before - the night before they were to try the slipstream drive, but when that had failed miserably she had replaced the hope symbols. She should have learned from that experience. But when the Admiral dropped the prospect of going home on her doorstep a week ago, she had gone and done it again. She carved hope back into love in the hope that she would soon get the chance to give it back to Chakotay.

A hope that was now dead, shriveled up like the remnants of her heart. Obviously he had lost hope, in her, in them, in her ability to get them home.

And she hated him for it.

The hand that was gripping the box tightened as her anger and grief poured waves of anguish into her heart and it broke over and over again as she continued to grapple with the fact that not only did he no longer love her, but also that he was now in love with someone else.

_Damn him!_

_Damn her!_

_And damn this box!_

Her anguish shook mercilessly through her body and into her arm, the force of it erupting as she propelled the box with all her might across the room and screamed, "Damn you!"

As soon as the box was airborne she immediately regretted her actions. Not because she had most likely destroyed the box and put a dent in a wall, but because it had just narrowly missed her chief engineer, husband and child who stood in shock at the jaws of the doors to her quarters, the box shaking to a rest in the corridor behind them.

For a stunned silence, no one said anything; they just stared at each other. Then the small bundle in B'Elanna's arms gave a soft wail and their attention went immediately to her. Kathryn chose this moment to contain her abject horror at almost striking a newborn with a wooden box and launched herself out from behind her desk as she quickly and frantically enquired while advancing on them, "Are you ok? Is anyone hurt?"

Tom and B'Elanna looked at her in shock and then shared a look that wondered if their captain was ok.

"We're fine," Tom recovered first as Kathryn now stood before them, bending to see the child for assurance. B'Elanna nodded her agreement when her captain looked to her for confirmation.

"We just got released from Sickbay and thought you might want a visit from your namesake," B'Elanna offered the reason they had come. Kathryn relaxed visibly and seemed to shrink several inches instantly.

"I'm sorry," she apologised. Then instantly she smiled as something occurred to her and she looked up to them. "Namesake?"

Tom grinned at her and said, "Captain Janeway, Meet Miral Kathryn Paris," he beamed, his attention once again dominated by the amazing miracle B'Elanna held in her arms.

Kathryn smiled so widely she almost forgot her pain. This little bundle of joy was named after her – and she was so touched by the gesture and so emotionally raw she wasn't quick enough to stay the tears in her eyes.

"Thank you," she whispered, bowing her head to hide her face and to steal another glance at the now squirming baby. "She's precious."

Over her bowed head Tom and B'Elanna shared another look where they had a silent conversation.

_I'll take the baby, you talk to her._  
_Looks like a girl thing._  
_Tom…_  
_I can't handle crying women._  
_Chicken!_

"Well, I better get Miral to Harry before he calls again," Tom started with his excuse as their captain straightened again and he negotiated the baby from B'ELanna's arms.

"Again, I'm sorry-"

"I'm sure B'Elanna has all the charm she needs to wheedle our request out of you," Tom interrupted her with a wink and her mouth closed in surprise. Before she could open it again he was out the door and they swished shut behind him.

"Request?" she wondered aloud, looking expectantly at B'Elanna.

B'Elanna nodded and said, "We were hoping you would consent to being Godmother."

Kathryn's face melted into a warm and genuine smile. "I'd be honoured," she said, tears coming again.

B'Elanna realized this was another opening – but how was she going to start this conversation?

_So, whom were you trying to injure and damn to hell with that box?_

_Why are you crying?_

_Something in your eye?_

She was given a momentary reprieve when the door opened again and Tom reappeared, with the box in his hand.

"Ah…" he began as he held it out for B'Elanna.

"Thanks." She said curtly and with a nod he and Miral were gone again. B'Elanna returned her attention to the captain who was now staring aghast at the box in B'Elanna's hand. It made the half Klingon woman frown and she also found herself studying the box, which seemed only slightly damaged from its recent flight test failure.

"Are you ok?" B'Elanna asked quickly, biting back the urge to add 'Captain', thinking it best to keep rank out of this. Whatever was going on with the captain right now seemed personal.

Kathryn nodded, unable to actually voice the lie. She tore her eyes away from the box and raked her hands over her face, embarrassed at the wetness she found there. She turned her back to B'Elanna and started towards her window.

"You don't seem ok," B'Elanna stated flatly, glancing back down to the box, whose mere presence served to back her up. Given that the captain had her back to her, she offered the box a longer study and found herself frowning at the symbols, noting they seemed… familiar.

Her captain only shrugged and whispered, "Today has been…"

"Emotional?" She noticed the captain nod. B'Elanna wished she could offer more comfort, but to be honest, she was at a loss as to why the captain was acting this way. She should be bouncing off the walls with happiness at getting her crew home, not bouncing things off the walls in anger.

_So why are you so angry?_

Instead she asked, "Would you like to talk about it?"

Kathryn almost snorted, and was glad B'Elanna could not see her face. Clearly her chief engineer was uncomfortable. One did not just ask one's captain if they wanted to talk about why she had almost blasted them with a wooden box moments ago, screaming in a fit of insanity. At least not on her ship. No, should that question need to be asked, it would only ever find voice in the one individual who knew her the best, the one who kept her sane, and safe. And that was definitely not going to happen – not anymore.

"I'm fine, B'Elanna," she countered, taking a deep breath, plastering a smile on her face and turning to B'Elanna for effect. "Really."

B'Elanna knew a dismissal when she saw one, and she was probably lucky to get a smile on the tail of this one, so she took it. Mostly because she wasn't the person the captain ever confided personally in, but also because she was momentarily panicked that she would and that B'Elanna would not have any soft words of reassurance or comfort to give her. And unthinkably… that she would fail miserably. B'Elanna hadn't had years like Chakotay to get to know the captain personally, to know how to fix her problems and cheer her up.

So with a nod of her head, she favoured the box with one last glance, as she placed it down and as she turned to leave, she thought sadly, _I wish I did._

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AN: Like it, hate it? I'd be honoured to know!


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **See part one.

* * *

"She's amazing, B'Elanna," Chakotay said through a chuckle as he bounced her newborn baby is in arms, completely transfixed by the tiny person. B'Elanna only smiled. She was getting used to this reaction. Almost all adults had turned into cooing idiots the moment her daughter entered their presence. And she loved it.

"Precious…" Chakotay whispered in awe, now staring sadly at the baby nestled in his arms, thankfully sleeping. B'Elanna frowned remembering the only other person who had called Miral that and her mood was subsequently dampened again by the melancholy she had felt after leaving the captain's quarters two days ago.

She had wanted to talk to Chakotay about it from the moment she left. Instead, she first conferred with Tom and he had changed her mind. Tom didn't think it was a good idea…

_"Tom, I couldn't… I didn't know… Gah!" B'Elanna growled in frustration referring to her failed attempt to talk to Janeway about what was bothering her. Her husband winced and pushed his hands towards the ground in a shushing gesture, reminding her their daughter had just gone down to sleep moments ago. The reminder made B'Elanna flinch. No matter how frustrated she was with this situation, she needed every moment her daughter slept to stay that way. _

_"Hey," Tom said, moving towards her and circling his arms around her. "There's not really anything else we can do," he explained. "You reached out, but you know better than I do how private she is." B'Elanna nodded reluctantly, and knew he could see the 'but' coming before she voiced it._

_"But everyone needs someone to talk to," she argued, worried about the distress her captain seemed to be in. "I think I should tell Chakotay." _

_Tom felt her turn towards him, looking at him with deep, sad brown eyes, wanting — no needing his reassurance on this. _

_"B'Elanna," his voice warned as he shook his head. "It's none of our business, and if she wanted him to know - he would." Tom told her. His eyes were saying something he wasn't - perhaps an instinct he had about this. She trusted his instincts, but she was so sure that Chakotay could help sooth whatever was wrong with Janeway that she was encouraged to fight it._

_"I think he's the only one who can fix this," she argued._

_Tom was nodding when he said, "Tell me you won't say anything to him." B'Elanna scowled at him._

_"But…" _

_"B'Elanna!"_

_"Fine," she grumbled, turning away from his grasp in protest. He followed her and his arms sought her shoulders as he embraced her and soothed her into agreeing._

So, B'Elanna had relented with a promising nod, and they went to grab a few precious hours of sleep.

Still, however, a day later, B'Elanna felt lead in her stomach every time she thought on it. Having Chakotay alone she was more tempted than ever to bring it up but Tom's voice in her head kept her troubled thoughts there too. She silently damned him - he was probably right. Even if he hadn't forewarned her, she wasn't quite sure how to broach the subject with Chakotay.

She knew Chakotay quite well but they had drifted apart a little in the last few years, due mostly to the lack of opportunity to relax and actually spend time together, but also because the limited downtime they did get she was now spending it with Tom and he with…

_Who?_ she wondered suddenly. As Chakotay glided softly over the carpet towards the viewport, cooing at the baby, she took a moment to ponder at his back and wonder exactly who was filling his personal time nowadays. Not so long ago she wouldn't have hesitated on whom. He enjoyed, and indeed spent, most of his downtime with the captain. B'Elanna was certain he held a torch for the woman. She had enough experience around him and his past conquests to know when he was taken by someone - and by all the standards she had to measure against in his past, Chakotay seemed simply enchanted by Janeway.

_Or he had been…._

She was now frantically wondering when she had stopped seeing that grin he flashed at Janeway, the way he would tug on his earlobe when she made him blush, the way he would look at her like she was an oasis in a desert…

She couldn't. Had it really been that long? And…

_Oh…_

"B'Elanna?" Chakotay's hand sharpened into her focus, waving in front of her and he was staring at her curiously. "Are you with me?" he asked with a chuckle.

B'Elanna blinked and nodded and he returned his attention to the baby balanced in the crook of his other arm. "How do you ever put her down?" he asked with reverence, then glanced up at her.

She smiled but rolled her eyes and said, "Spend a night with her and you'll have your answer."

"Anytime," he grinned at her. Her eyebrows rose and an idea formed in her head.

"Actually, Tom and I could use a few hours later tonight. We haven't had a chance to spend any time alone and there are a few things I would like to discuss with him before we hit home."

"Oh," Chakotay said, now stopped and turning stiffly to her, seeming surprised she would ask.

She shrugged at him. "You could be her first babysitter," she beamed.

Chakotay however, looked suddenly stricken and she immediately worried she had overstepped. "Of course, if you don't want to its no problem, the Doc has had his-"

"No! No," he shook his head, moving towards her and recovering from the surprise. "I would actually love to, but I already have plans." He glanced back down to Miral, who was shifting slightly in her sleep and sighing so softly it made that goofy grin of his return. He freed an arm so he could caress her cheek with a finger as he spoke softly to the baby, "But maybe Seven wouldn't mind being stood up for such a cute little thing, hmm?"

B'Elanna's eyebrows and ridges rose and before thinking she blurted out, "Seven?"

He was now staring at her with a look that clearly announced - did I say that out loud? She would have laughed at the expression and the situation had her brain not been repeating over and over what had just escaped her mouth, unable to process and finish the thought that had begun.

Chakotay was clearly uneasy and was now motioning to return her daughter to her arms. As she took the baby and his hands were free she saw a blush on his cheeks and he was tugging on his earlobe.

_Oh, no…_

"I have dinner plans later, sorry, B'Elanna," he offered abashedly. "But any other time - I would really love to," he continued, in a hurry to pass the awkward moment by. "Put my name down," he finished with a broad grin and B'Elanna nodded at him, staring in silence.

"I better get back." He straightened and she moved out of his way as the door was behind her. "And B'Elanna?"

When he turned she was afraid he was going to break the uncomfortable barrier that the big white elephant was floating behind and she swallowed with apprehension.

"If you need to talk about anything that you can't with Tom…" he reached for her hand and squeezed it. "… my door is always open."

She nodded. Somewhere between relieved that he hadn't said what she had thought he might and differently uncomfortable about what he was implying. They were all worried about what would happen with the former Maquis now that they were home. Not only in an incarcerative manner, but also how they were going to have to deal with the emotional fallout of the war face on. It had almost seemed too distant for a lot of them, painful, but also safely distant out in the Delta Quadrant. She herself had reacted… violently to it, and Chakotay had picked up the pieces and put her back together. And he was reaching out again, should she need that.

He gave her hand a final squeeze and moved towards the exit. Feeling a rush of gratitude and wanting to extend the same she quickly grabbed his arm and added a fervent, "You too." He smiled, nodded and left before the flicker of emotion on his face settled enough for her to analyse.

When he was gone she felt the familiar sense of helplessness that she had when she had left her captain two days ago.

* * *

"You seem distracted."

Chakotay regarded Seven with a small smile. She was right. He was and nodded his agreement. And not just because it was more than true, it was also most likely more than obvious so to argue would be useless. He had absolutely no idea what she had said in the past ten minutes. She had started talking about the properties of the collection of planets that the Alpha Quadrant contained that she found odd. He had noticed a few days ago her tendency to over-talk on many things related to the Alpha Quadrant, aside from all the things that mattered and tonight it was on full force. She talked about minerals found on this planet that the Borg had never found anywhere else, small insects on that planet that did something else interesting, a nebula in another sector that shimmered like glitter in space when subjected to a certain wave frequency of light. Essentially, Seven was rambling in the unique way that only Seven could - with cold, hard, intricate detail. And in a manner he almost couldn't suffer any longer. She was using these mundane details to prevent her from thinking too deeply on the personal and emotional matters that she would have to embrace once they reached Earth, and was ensuring that there was no lull in their conversation in fear of allowing him a moment to voice any of the subject matters that might touch on said emotions and issues.

"Am I boring you?"

"Worrying me," he explained and she looked faintly uncomfortable.

"I do not understand. Why are you worried?"

That she would even ask that almost made him laugh out loud. He had many things to be worried about. How she would deal with integrating into humanity on the scale that she was about to be presented with, her family, Starfleet - all of the above and more, while keeping afloat the delicate balance of their new relationship and her individuality in the midst of an entire planet were to name a few. He was also worried about his friends in that respect, all of the Voyagers, especially the Maquis. What would Starfleet do with all of them when they returned, would they face charges or would they at least allow him to fall on that sword? Or worse, would they ask Kathryn too? And Kathryn…

Thoughts of her sobered him quickly and he caught Seven looking at him expectantly.

"There are a lot of unknowns ahead, Seven," he answered.

"The unknown is always ahead until it is known. Worrying about it will not make it worse or better, come quicker or slower and it will not make it known. It is a futile emotion."

Chakotay sighed. If there was one thing he could say was a struggle with Seven, it was her inability to understand his emotions - or rather, not always understand, but empathise with. Sometimes, even he knew some emotions were not logical, did not make sense, but they existed and were felt nonetheless, and by no means less keenly. He could not discuss his deep fears over the Maquis with Seven because she would never understand, and he feared it would only anger him if he tried further and Seven didn't deserve his anger.

"You're right," he said with a forced smile. But Seven didn't seem to notice the false emotion any more than she could understand some of the real ones. He slid his napkin closer towards the centre of the table in a gesture that he hoped was signalling an end to their evening. Thankfully, Seven only raised an interested eyebrow but mimicked his gesture in acceptance. He rose from the table and moved towards her.

She pressed her lips to his suddenly, unexpectedly, as he was simply reaching for her hand when she swooped in. He received her at first with stiffness but he was not unaccustomed to her surprise physically romantic manoeuvres and eventually he melted into her embrace. The women he had been with in the past had always been confident and pointed in their pursuit of him, but it had never really been a surprise when a pleasurable assault had come. He had always been able to feel the mounting pressure, the sweet agony of waiting for that contact, the growing need to touch one another simmering for moments, hours, days, weeks, and in some cases… years.

A sudden flash of memory burned behind his closed lids as her lips moved on his and he found his hands roaming from her waist. He froze suddenly.

"Chakotay?"

"I'm sorry," he stammered, pushing himself away from her. "I just have a lot on my mind right now." She nodded but was clearly confused.

"This was a nice evening, Seven," he smiled warmly, almost meaning it. "I just have a lot of things to sort out - I have a lot of thinking to do before we reach Earth."

Another nod and, "If you require assistance I would be happy to oblige," she told him, eager to help.

"Thank you, but this isn't something you can help with, Seven."

She seemed disappointed but nodded anyway as she moved towards the door. When she reached it she turned and said, "If you change your mind, I will not mind to be disturbed while regenerating."

He smiled warmly as he touched a hand to her cheek and said goodnight before she left.

Alone, he realised he really did need to talk to someone. But first, first he would meditate. Perhaps his Spirit Guide would have some wise words for him. Words he desperately needed right now to calm the storm that raged within him.

* * *

AN: Hope you liked it! More will come soon :)


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

AN: Thank you all for the kind reviews so far - it really does help to make me write faster :) Apologies for any mistakes you find!

* * *

"Tom…" Janeway put steel in her voice hoping it would carry the level of warning she wanted him to hear.

"I know, I swear - it won't get out of control," he pleaded. She slowed her step as they rounded a corner while they both made their way to the Bridge for duty. Tom had been begging her since they had arrived in the Alpha Quadrant to allow them to open several holodecks for a celebration but she had refused - they had a lot of work to do, reports to prepare for the briefings that would come, systems to check, data to compile, and the last thing they needed was strain from the holodeck causing issues with connected systems, and a hungover, partied-out crew patching it up.

"I've enlisted Harry, Seven and B'Elanna to help assign and monitor resources and power and even Chakotay said he would be able to make a roster so that everyone, including the captain would have time to visit."

Kathryn stopped and regarded him coolly, her hands on her hips. "Even the Captain you say?"

"Yes, Ma'am," he said this so eagerly at her change in tone that he forgot for a split second that she hated to be called that.

"Well, then, I guess we could manage to squeeze a small party in," she drawled, beginning to walk again with a huge crooked smile aimed ahead. Tom slowed a little so she wouldn't see him punch the air in triumph behind her.

"It's gonna be great," he assured her and they both glanced backwards upon hearing a chuckle.

"I hear you have a new roster to master, Commander," she said to Chakotay as he caught up with them before they entered the turbo lift and Tom ordered it to the Bridge.

"Already done, Captain," he told her with a rueful grin and her eyebrows shot up in question. "I knew you couldn't resist a party."

"Mhmm," she murmured sending him a mock glare. Paris wondered if they had forgotten he was there as he leaned back against the turbolift wall behind them.

"If you have any recommendations to add on the rotation of crew members perhaps I could tempt you with a home cooked dinner tonight in my quarters?" Chakotay asked, gleeful from the repertoire. Paris however, noticed Janeway's spine straighten suddenly. She hadn't expected that invitation - neither had Tom given the dinner plans B'Elanna had told him Chakotay had been engaged in just last night. And she certainly hadn't expected the flirty way he had delivered the invitation either. A charged second passed and when she didn't respond immediately Tom saw Chakotay steal a nervous glance at her. In the close proximity she noticed and bounced into action.

"I would love to, Chakotay, but I have other plans tonight."

_Burn_, was what entered Tom Paris's brain as the turbo lift took that moment to stop and expel them onto the Bridge. One step out, Janeway threw a look over her shoulder and crisply said, "Rain-check?"

Tom wasn't quite sure what had transpired, but suddenly the prospect of a rain-check on dinner seemed to hit Chakotay as if she had just personally slapped him in the face. He didn't even get to answer before she strode off aiming for her seat, leaving him stunned and still inside the turbolift in her wake. Tom noticed the stricken look on his commander's face and was reminded of a similar pained expression that had been etched onto Chakotay's face and mood for days several years ago. When Tom pressed him about it, Chakotay had told him a half-secret. A secret he knew too much about but couldn't speak of, not even to his wife while she begged him to allow her to talk to Chakotay about the captain's current personal turmoil - to agree it was the right thing to do. He thought back to their conversation and hoped B'Elanna had kept her word.

_"I think he's the only one who can fix this," B'Elanna countered._

_Tom was nodding when he said, "Tell me you won't say anything to him." B'Elanna frowned at him._

_"But…" _

_"B'Elanna!"_

_"Fine," she grumbled, turning away from his grasp in protest. He followed her and his arms sought her shoulders. He knew she felt helpless and he had seen how the captain's pain bothered her so, but this was not her battle and if she tried to make it hers, she could very well end up making it much, much worse._

_What he didn't say, because it was only a theory from old secrets he kept for Chakotay's sake, was that given the nature of the turmoil he witnessed from the captain, it was highly likely that Chakotay was the last person she would want to talk to about this. In fact, Tom would hedge bets that Chakotay was the reason for it. But he couldn't tell B'Elanna that without disclosing why, and in doing so, enlightening her to a personal secret of Chakotay's that even Chakotay wasn't aware Tom knew such detail of. He would also betray a confidence Chakotay had put in him. _

_A few years back Chakotay had been acting weird, wound as tight as a warp coil and Tom had confronted him on it - offering a friendly ear for his woman troubles. For Tom had no doubt it was a woman that was causing the thorn in his first officer's side - he had experienced it too many times himself not to recognise it. Chakotay had been reluctant at first, but obviously needing someone to bounce his problem off, he spilled - without naming his female troublemaker, of course. He had asked for advice about dating a member of the crew that he had feelings for and was agonising over whether or not it was a good idea because he was concerned ship's duties would get in the way of their relationship and vice-versa. Tom had advised he go for it and offered him his holodeck privileges that night to make his move. Later that evening, he had happened upon Chakotay ushering Janeway into the holodeck ahead of him._

Back in the present Tom took a deep breath, laid a hand on Chakotay's shoulder, gave it a quick sympathetic squeeze and walked past his first officer - hoping he would follow soon before the captain realised just how she well had shocked him. And while Tom couldn't say why, he felt a mild satisfactory sense of retribution for the captain's sake. 

* * *

Kathryn sighed and pressed her fingers to her temple as she heard the door chime. She had just managed to settle herself down with a cup of coffee in her Ready Room alone and it had gone off before she even got the cup to her mouth. This was the third cup that had been interrupted today. Its two predecessors ending up in the recycler because they had gone untouched and cold.

The first cup had been a casualty of the Doctor. He had called her to Sickbay to review some things he was concerned about in advance of a debriefing on Earth. She hadn't been in Sickbay long before she realised it was a lot more to do about what would happen to him than concern for some of the things that had transpired over the years. She had managed to assure him she would stand by him and never back down should Starfleet even hint at heading anywhere questionable with regards to his future as an individual. It had taken almost two hours but she left him feeling certain and confident that if she was on his side, he would be ok. She dared not voice her own concerns, but she definitely had them. She was in no way willing to ever let them do anything untoward against anyone on her crew, but she was also not under any illusion that it would be an easy road.

Then Seven had come. And Kathryn had wanted to leave her presence immediately. Now when she looked at the beautiful young ex Borg she saw everything that she could have wanted: youth, beauty, intrigue, intellect and a bright future… with the man she loved. More devastatingly, not just everything she had ever wanted, but exactly what Kathryn would now never have. It made her heart bleed pain and the sensation savaged through her like an unrelenting wind that chilled her mercilessly every time she laid eyes on Seven. But, Seven needed her and Kathryn would always be there - no matter what. It wasn't Seven's fault, it wasn't even his fault. In fact, Kathryn had no one but herself to blame, and that almost made the emotion darker.

So she had helped Seven through a similar process to what she had gone through with the Doctor. Seven was somehow easier to convince that everything would be ok, but she needed cold hard facts, and gentle touches on the wings of whispered promises. If Kathryn was honest, she could tell the woman wasn't one hundred percent convinced either, but that hadn't been her goal - Seven would never be convinced until the fact presented itself, but she trusted Kathryn's advice for a truth she was willing to hope for and it was enough.

And now she had been looking forward to forgetting the pain that accompanied Seven's presence, and loosing herself in a hot coffee while she tried to throw her mind into something, anything but how utterly miserable she felt.

As the chime sounded again, she grudgingly accepted that at least the coffee might have to wait a little longer as she set it down and called, "Come."

When her visitor walked inside, she realised that misery was here to stay for a while.

"Commander," she greeted him and he smiled.

"The consolidated report on ships systems," he said by way of explanation as he approached her desk and held out a PADD for her. She reached for it and scanned the first few pages, not really caring to delve into it right now.

"Any issues?"

He shook his head. "Everything is running perfectly. There was a slight misalignment with the plasma injectors but B'Elanna has it under control."

She quirked an eyebrow at him, setting down the PADD and lifting her coffee. "I thought I told B'Elanna to take it easy, and take some time off."

"She's going stir crazy, she's tired, and she's anxious." He explained, amused. She returned the smile, knowing how the concoction of those things alone would mix in the half Klingon woman.

"I see." She nodded and top a sip of the coffee.

"On top of that -" he began a little more serious.

"On top of that," she held a finger up to stop him, "she has her father in law chomping at the bit, chasing us in a Starfleet vessel bound for a home she is not sure will provide her respite or penance." Kathryn interrupted him, staring beyond him and feeling a similar sense of worry.

Chakotay only nodded solemnly in agreement.

"I wish I knew the answer." She stood with her coffee and moved away from him, towards the viewport and up a few steps to rest beside her coffee table. He turned to follow her and somewhere in the back of her mind she felt her heart grow heavier with each step he took closer. "I tried to weasel something out of Owen. Given the unique situation his son, now daughter in law, and granddaughter are in but he is being evasive." She edged her head slightly over her left shoulder to catch him in her peripheral vision, and took another sip and a fortified breath before turning towards him. "I imagine many on the crew are feeling similar."

"A lot," he agreed. "It's at times like these I really wish we had a counsellor on board."

"Mmm," she said, glancing away again.

"A lot of people have approached me for council." He said it with such uncertainty that it made her consider him carefully for the first time in days. He looked troubled, sad, and weary.

"Chakotay," she breathed, full of concern and suddenly guilty that her own pain had caused her to remain blind to what he was going through. She turned fully, quickly and in one swift motion she set her coffee cup down, and was standing in front of him, her hand grazing his arm in a gesture of comfort.

"What is it?" she asked in a rushed whisper.

He seemed shocked to see her advance on him so quickly and had avoided her penetrating gaze by examining the hand she had laid on him. She absently realised it had been a long time since she had physically touched him like that, and something in his eyes told her he was thinking the same thing. She flinched at that and her hand jumped away as if the thought had burned her.

"I -" the awkward way he started to speak told her he had also noticed the abrupt withdrawal of the comfort that she had just assaulted him with and she berated herself for allowing her emotions to be so transparent, and worse, allowing them to control her. She was usually schooled in this, and it was unsettling to think that there was something… someone who could, with the right words, actions, feelings, completely undo all of her emotional fortification.

He cleared his throat, seeming to have found something to say and delivered, "I'm fine." And she frowned. Her hand, which was now frantically looking for something to busy itself with in the absence of his arm and her coffee, scratched at her neck as she recognised he was lying. He rarely lied to her. She wasn't even sure he ever had. And certainly not when he was bothered by something. He was always open and honest with her even when she didn't want to hear it. It was one of the things that made her trust in him unflinching. And yet here he was, a breath away, lying to her.

She wasn't angry. She was unsettled. This was alien territory - him lying, her giving comfort. And so she took a deep breath, resisting the urge to close her eyes as she did, and she replaced her fidgeting hand on his arm, tighter this time, and said, "No. No, you're not."

He blinked furiously at her. Obviously he had not been expecting her to argue with him. He probably had expected a curt nod, a return to her stargazing coffee break and a dismissal. Which was about as much as she had been giving him regarding personal time these last few months, even more so after she had found out about Seven a few days ago. So she couldn't really say she was surprised by his reaction, saddened by it but not surprised. Something in her wanted that to stop - right now. She wanted him to be able to confide in her, she wanted to be able to comfort him and pushing him away when he needed her was certainly not the way to achieve that. He had broken her heart, but she would not break their friendship. It was all she had left. It would be excruciating for a while, but hopefully, with time, her heart would heal and she would still have her best friend.

"Sit," she said, but it was more of an order than a request and she tugged on his arm a little to direct him towards her couch. He nodded as he moved with her and the tightness in her chest eased a little as they sat.

Once seated, he stared at his hands, clasped in his lap and when he didn't speak immediately, she scooted closer to him on the couch and replaced the physical comfort of earlier with a hand to his knee.

"Talk to me." This time a soft request and he looked at her.

"Everyone is afraid of what will happen when when get home," he began and she nodded. "They are looking to me for reassurance and answers and…" he shook his head. "And I am lying to them."

Kathryn blinked at that but said nothing, wondering when Chakotay had become so friendly with deception.

"I am giving them reassurance and telling them not to worry, that everything will be fine-" He stopped suddenly and tore his eyes away from hers and glanced down to his hands throwing a furtive flick of his eyes to her hand as well. "But the truth is… I'm terrified."

Kathryn felt her heart constrict in her chest, and fire burn in her throat. She wasn't sure she had seen Chakotay this emotionally conflicted and lost since… well, ever. She slid her hand off his knee and enveloped his clasped hands with it. She was about to tell him that she was scared as well when he began again. "I shouldn't be telling them that everything will be fine, when I'm not sure. When I actually have those same questions."

"Chakotay," she whispered caressing his hands with her fingers. "Everything will be fine," she said firmly. "I promise." She was delighted to hear the conviction in her voice and even more so when a smile grew on his face and he tore his gaze from their hands back to her face.

"When you say it like that, it makes me believe it," he said in response, and she blushed a little with a small smile. "But you don't know that either."

"I will not let anyone harm my crew." she retorted, mildly burned that he didn't have faith in her.

He was shaking his head as he replied, "I know that - neither will I," he agreed and looked directly into her eyes. She saw herself in them and a thought flashed brightly in her mind.

"You're thinking of taking the heat aren't you?" she asked accusingly, suddenly understanding. His mouth hung open in response, clearly he had not thought she would figure that out so quickly, if at all.

"Captain…" His voice sounded like a warning and she shot away from him, furious. Spinning around and pointing a finger at him she barked, "Don't." Now she waved the finger accusingly in the air. "Don't you lie to me. And certainly not about pulling something like this!"

"Well… this is different," he said, looking morbidly amused by something and it really seemed to piss her off.

"What?" she demanded.

"You. Trying to talk me out of self-sacrifice," he explained and appeared now to be genuinely shocked by the revelation. "That's usually my job."

"And falling on the sword, mine?" she quipped, still angry and indignant. He smiled at something again and she was momentarily glad she had nothing in her hand to throw. That primal urge was fast becoming a habit that she should never get used to.

"I won't let you take the fall for my crimes, Kathryn," he said and grew solemn again. She was so displaced by his use of her name that she faltered in the argument that would have followed. She wondered when it had started to sound strange that he would call her Kathryn. It made her ache to think on it, to realise she hadn't even noticed he had stopped.

In the moments of silence that followed her pensive sojourn she was abruptly aware of two things: one, that she had taught him a very bad habit, and two, that this was not just about protecting the crew - it was about protecting her. He had used her name because it was personal, and she had been jolted by it because nothing between them had been personal for a long time, something she hadn't really noticed. So adept was she at deflecting him now, that it had become a part of her daily routine — involuntary.

She swallowed slowly, taking a moment for herself as the realisation that he still cared a great deal for her came crashing back. She had pushed that part of knowledge deep down inside of her over the past few days - it was so much easier to deal with him not loving her if she thought that he didn't care at all. It was delightfully easier to hate him if she thought he felt nothing for her. But he had undone all of that without even trying, without even knowing she wanted to hate him. She had convinced herself that he had pushed her away, cut her out of his life, out of his heart because it made it all simpler to accept. But the truth of it was, she was pushing him away. Again. He was merely moving on with his life but he fully intended to take their relationship along for the ride. _Our friendship_, she amended internally.

"I won't," she said quickly wanting to banish his pain and her newly formed habit all at once. Chakotay looked up to her with a frown. She shook her head to clear the confusion that the silence had afforded and reminded herself that he could not hear her thoughts. "I won't fall on any sword, Chakotay," she said softly, but firmly as she made her way back to where he was sitting. "I promise." As she said it something flickered in his eyes. Something hard.

"Don't make promises you won't keep, Kathryn," he warned her strongly.

Kathryn licked her lips, wanting to argue immediately and counter his harsh accusation, but the fact remained, if it came down to it, they both knew that if she could sacrifice herself to save her crew, she wouldn't think twice about it. And a phantom promise to Chakotay born by wishes of comfort wouldn't factor into it.

"Ok," she acquiesced. "You're right. Maybe I would." He seemed intent on examining her as she spoke and it made her feel uncomfortable so she instantly turned and paced as she spoke. "But I am also the reason we are in this position in the first place-"

"Kathryn-" he interrupted but she ignored and continued.

"-So it is my responsibility to take the blame - don't you see that?"

"I do." He surprised her with his answer and it silenced her as he got up and walked to where she was now rooted, rapt for what he would say next. "Just as you must see that I feel responsible for the Maquis, and any decision that might befall them for the actions we took as the crew I captained."

"We are one crew now, and I'm the Captain," she tilted her chin upwards and spoke evenly. He nodded.

"And you are ready to accept responsibility for the actions taken while captaining this crew." She didn't respond, didn't need to. "But some of the actions that will be called into court will not be that which took place while on Voyager." She tightened her jaw, seeing where he was going and frantically wracking her brain for an argument and, ironically, wondering how he would diffuse this argument if it was reversed.

"So you must understand that I have to do the same." He was standing right in front of her now, pleading with his eyes for a flicker of recognition to his plight. "I need to," he reaffirmed, as if he could sense the argument coming.

_I understand_, her mind whispered. "You don't need to do anything alone, Chakotay," she breathed, sensing his thirst to bear this responsibility himself. He smiled sadly at her and she assumed the irony was not lost on him either. "I, better than anyone, understand. But I won't let you do this- if it comes to it."

"And I won't let you," he retorted defiantly.

She confused him by grinning and nodding. "Ok. Nobody falls on a sword." Her hand was at his arm again, squeezing and soon followed by the other until she was almost embracing him. "How about we both just work our asses off to make sure nobody falls on anything sharp?" Chakotay blinked slowly at her, his eyes unreadable while the hands that were gripping his arms began to caress him. "And whatever happens, we'll face it together," she paused and considered something, then whispered, "we've always fared better together." His lips parted for a second as if he would say something and then suddenly she found herself being pulled into a crushing hug.

She was so unprepared for it that she didn't react for a moment but quickly, too quickly, she would think later, she got lost in his smell, in his touch, in the strength that he radiated and she enveloped his body with as much of hers as she could. She was strangely embarrassed to enjoy that he seemed to need her, he needed to hold her, he had needed to talk to her. And she realised that was why he had come earlier, perhaps he was reticent to say it out loud, but even though he had tried to hide his pain, some small part of him needed her to see it, needed her to soothe him and now he seemed to be embracing that need physically.

She felt a deep breath being released from his body, felt the hotness and dampness of it on her neck, where his face was buried. She felt the tension leave his limbs and her stomach tingled at the sensation. A sigh passed her lips before she could stop it, and she dug her fingers deeper into his back wanting so badly to allow them to roam up his shoulders, whisper along his neck and…

"Kathryn…"

Her eyes flew open. The way he said her name brought her abruptly back into the room. Or rather, how she had heard him say her name. With desire. Clearly that wasn't how he had spoken but her brain was mixing things up and allowing her to hear what she wanted to hear. She needed distance, her emotions had been raging since she had heard about him and Seven and while she had acknowledge it, she was now allowing it to culminate into a fantasy that would destroy them both. She drew on the same strength she had four years ago to untangle herself from him.

_I can't do this…_

This time the separation was less intense and less intimate, and she wasn't as shocked by his physical closeness, so she pushed him away with a little more finesse. So much so, that it seemed almost natural. A faint whisper in her head wondered, _how can I continue our friendship if I can't stop blurring the lines?_ and she swiftly tucked it away as quietly and as quickly as it had spoken.

"Kathryn," he said sheepishly, his head bowed but glancing briefly at her face. "I-"

"Bridge to Captain Janeway." Tom Paris's voice echoed in the room, cutting Chakotay off. Kathryn nodded at Chakotay in response.

"Janeway here," she responded.

"Captain, there is an incoming transmission for you." Tom paused a beat then said, "It's encoded."

"Thank you, Tom." Chakotay pulled a tight smile at her - that was his cue to leave. "I'll take it here in just a few moments."

"Yes, Captain."

Chakotay was already moving to leave as she made her way for the console on her desk to receive the message. She wondered if he was feeling the same awkwardness as her. She almost felt like they had been caught kissing by her mother or something akin to it. Ridiculous, but that was the feeling that curled inside her.

Just as she rounded the desk, crouching to sit, her peripheral vision caught Chakotay's bulky form stop and turn abruptly.

"Kathryn?"

She froze in her descent into the chair at the timid tone in his voice. Literally froze. Her knees bent, bottom sticking out, hands gripping the edge of the desk for support as she waited with baited breath for what he would say. She could only stare in response.

He started to say something but she saw the decision change in his eyes and instead said, "Thank you." She wasn't sure how relieved she was about what he had decided not to say, especially given the ghost of it that still shadowed his expression, but she was certain that she was curious about it. She wanted to ask him, but knew she shouldn't - wouldn't. So hoping he knew that he never needed to thank her for being a friend she nodded again and offered a soft, "Anytime," as she managed to ungracefully flop her body the rest of the way into the seat. She averted her eyes, hoping he hadn't noticed. When she heard the doors hiss shut she looked up to see she was alone again.

Before activating the message she let a long, shaky breath pass her lips then she squared her shoulders, clenched her teeth and steeled her mind for whatever Admiral Paris was about to bring to her list of worries.

* * *

Remember, reviews help me write faster, and better! :P


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer and all in Chapter 1.

AN: Thanks again for the kind reviews, and to those of you who have asked, yes, this will definitely be a J/C story :)

* * *

Chakotay was on his way to Astrometrics to check in on Seven. They hadn't spoken since their dinner last night and he had to admit he couldn't avoid her forever. _Why am I avoiding her, again?_ he asked of himself, just as he had several times in the last hour while he tried unsuccessfully to convince himself to go and see her. And, while he was carrying himself to that destination right now, he was still not certain how to answer that question.

She had been distant in a rambling sort of way at dinner the previous evening, and with each raw string of data that she sprayed from her mouth he became increasingly agitated and exasperated. He, and many on board were feeling the strain of uncertainty that was closing in on Voyager as she made her way to Earth. Once the initial celebratory mood had dissipated everyone began to analyse what the coming days would bring for them - what would their future look like? And for many, like himself, the unanswered question weighed heavily. Clearly, it was bothering Seven too, but not only was she ignoring her own emotions and fears, she was also doing a pretty fantastic job of not noticing his either.

He had however decided that his agitation stemmed not from this tendency of hers, but from one of his own. He realised not long after bundling her out of his quarters, and a strange talk with his Spirit Guide, that his displacement of anger came from a need to share his own deep seeded fears and emotions with someone who understood, or at least wanted to understand. He needed comfort, even a simple reassurance, someone to bounce his fears off - to catch them and smother them in love even if they couldn't get rid of them. Instead, Seven had volleyed them back with the speed of an unsuspecting insect hitting a human forcefield.

A small snort escaped, he couldn't help it. In a way, that's exactly what Seven was sometimes - or what she wished she could be, a forcefield deflecting unwanted or irrelevant emotions. She had done it before, even days ago when she had tried to end their relationship because of what the Admiral had told her. She had done it when he tried to talk to her about her future on Earth and she had done it when he had tried to find solace in her affection for his own conflicted emotions.

Needless to say, the dinner had not been one of their finest dates. He had ended it rather unexpectedly, and perhaps encouraged by his abrupt manner, she had surprised him with a very swift embrace where she kissed him hard. Afterwards he had wondered if she had realised exactly what she had been doing all evening and had tried to make up for it with a targeted, intense physical display of how she felt instead. He would never know. Not because he thought she wouldn't tell him, but because he was far too embarrassed by his own behaviour to bring it up again - ever. He was too embarrassed to even think about it. Even as his mind meandered around the edges of the memory, refusing to acknowledge it, another flash lit up behind his eyes and he mentally threw up walls against it. He slammed his eyes shut in a further attempt to chase away the thoughts that had entered his mind - the same ones he had that night while he kissed Seven - and his stomach knotted in revulsion of himself. He would not think on it, would not admit it.

He opened his eyes again as he heard footsteps and swallowed at the bile at the back of his throat. When he rounded the corner he saw Harry grinning from ear to ear.

"Commander!" Harry bellowed happily. Chakotay nodded, unsure of the timbre of his voice as he still focused on chasing those thoughts away in the back of his mind. "Where are you off to?"

"Astrometrics."

"Ah! Me too," he said as they neared a turbo lift. "The captain has asked that I give Seven a hand with her report." Another nod. "Haven't seen you on the Bridge much today." Chakotay often enjoyed Harry's tendency to small talk a mile a minute, especially when he was in a good mood - the Ensign's jovial mood was easily spread. However as Chakotay stepped inside the turbolift he braced himself against the wall and ignored Harry because he was still struggling with pushing down the thoughts he so dreadfully wanted to forget - the guilt, the pleasure…

_ A small delicate hand tingled up his spine as a mouth with fine red lips moved against his hungrily…_

Chakotay's insides blistered with passion as he lost himself to the memory.

_His own hand was grazing the skin of her neck, her silky hair brushing against his fingers sending a wave of delight down his arm, right to his heart._

"I bet you'll miss touching her."

"What?"

Chakotay's head snapped up, embarrassed. Stunned by Harry's question and suddenly right back in the room again, he found himself slightly bent over, staring at the hand that was now caressing the turbolift wall he was facing. When he turned to look at Harry the ensign looked startled by his sudden demeanour and faltered before repeating, "I just said… I bet you'll miss touching her."

_Touch Who?_

"Kathryn?"

As soon as Chakotay said it he realised he had said what he should have thought and thought what he should have said. Harry's sudden silence, wide eyes and pale face affirmed it.

"Ah…" The young man seemed mortified and not sure if he should continue as the redness rose in Chakotay's cheeks. Harry tried to look anywhere but at his commanding officer but was finding it hard in the small space. "I… ah," he stammered, "Voyager," Harry explained and Chakotay mentally kicked himself as the heat in his face grew hotter. He remembered he had been bracing himself against the wall with his hands while rushing the forbidden thoughts away. He must have looked nostalgic, lost and Harry had thought he was caressing the ship. While in his head, he had been caressing exactly that which had passed his lips. And know Harry knew. Or at least had a good idea what had been going on behind his first officer's misty eyes for those short moments.

The turbolift slowing, Chakotay didn't know how to salvage the moment so he just nodded as they moved out of the lift together. He felt momentarily relieved when they stepped outside, only to realise a micro second later that they were both on their way to Astrometrics. To Seven.

* * *

Chakotay let Harry stride in ahead of him, still trying to control the blush on his face and unsure of what he would do now that he and Seven had company. The conversation he had planned wasn't really something he wanted Harry to hear, never mind after what had just happened.

"Ensign," he heard Seven greet Harry. Harry returned a curt greeting and then she saw him. "Commander," she inclined her head and Chakotay looked up from the carpet to see her eyes shining curiously.

Seven's eyes slid slowly between the two of them, wondering why they both were exhibiting signs of embarrassment. Not so long ago she would have pointed it out and asked for an explanation but experience and lessons from the Doctor had taught her it was not always, if ever, a wise course of action. Instead she decided to enquire as to why they were here.

"How can I assist you?" she asked pointedly, but cheerfully, hoping to feign that she had not noticed their discomfort. She was accustomed to this with Ensign Kim, the blush that coloured his cheeks was a regular occurrence, what puzzled her, was the uncharacteristic redness on Chakotay's cheeks.

"Um…" Harry began, trying to remember. "The captain asked me to help you with your report." He nodded, as if pleased he had managed to get that past his lips.

Seven nodded at him and gestured to the console where he could begin. Then she returned her penetrating blue eyes back to Chakotay. She had not spoken with him since dinner last night and as she remembered it, she herself felt the beginning of a blush on her cheeks. She swallowed at the emotion and pushed it aside as she noticed Chakotay regaining composure.

"I just came to check up on you," Chakotay said softly, glancing to Harry nervously. Seven's eyes slid to the ensign in her peripheral vision and she could sense Chakotay wasn't comfortable with a personal conversation within his earshot.

She nodded and said, also softly, "I am… fine." He nodded and an awkward silence fell between them.

"Seven?" Harry's voice turned her to him. "You know," Harry walked towards them with a strange expression on his face. "I'm starving." Seven quirked an eyebrow and glanced to Chakotay but said nothing. "Would you mind if I grab lunch first? This looks like a lot of work and I'd be much more efficient on a full stomach." Harry grinned tensely and Seven wondered why he was asking her permission. He was not here under her orders. She wanted to question him on it but instead she titled her head in a gesture of acceptance and Harry sped out the door offering Chakotay a passing goodbye as he did.

"That was…"

"Curious," Seven offered and Chakotay grinned at her.

She turned to him fully, feeling less anxious now that Harry had gone. "Do you believe he is aware of our relationship and that it made him uncomfortable?" Chakotay seemed surprised she would ask this and said, "I don't think so." But offered no other explanation and Seven hypothesised it must have something to do with the awkwardness with which they had arrived with. If it didn't involve her, it was irrelevant, so she disregarded it immediately.

"I wish to apologise about my behaviour last night," Seven blurted, clasping her hands behind her back and standing to attention. It was always best to be direct. She saw amusement in Chakotay's eyes but only a tiny quirk of his lips hinted at the emotion elsewhere on his face.

"So do I," he said and her stance faltered a little. She had not expected him to apologise. She was the one who had ignored his constant efforts to assess her emotional wellbeing over dinner last night, and indeed deflect any routes that might involve her having to deal with his. The thought of trying to help him with his burdens darkened her mind - she was already unable to deal with her own and was terrified about damaging him by trying to help.

"Seven," he took a step closer to her and she watched him with confusion etched on her face. "I shouldn't have tried to push you into talking about that with me." She looked away remembering how uncomfortable it had made her feel. The emotions that she felt growing for Chakotay were new, and they made her want to show the best of her to him, not the dark, scared and twisted emotions that cowered deeply inside her. She was afraid if she revealed those parts of herself to him, that he would immediately terminate their courtship. So when he had tried to dig, she had rerouted him every time. When he took her hand in hers and squeezed it, she felt his apology and his sincerity as she looked into his eyes.

"Thank you," she said softly, staring into his eyes. "And I…" how could she explain this? It wasn't that she didn't ever want to talk to him about these things, it just wasn't right… not yet. Her eyes flitted nervously, unsure of how to put this into words - everything that formed in her brain made her feel insecure.

"It's ok," he affirmed with a reassuring smile. "I understand." He squeezed her hand again then let it go. "In time, perhaps we can both have that conversation - together."

Seven blinked and felt startled, afraid he had read her mind. He certainly had read her emotions and she was once again marvelled by his wisdom. Chakotay was no great scientific brain, he had an intelligent mind certainly, but he rarely dazzled her with ingenuity like Janeway, or brash innovation like B'Elanna Torress. No, Chakotay filled the in-between - he saw things, and knew things instinctively, that she, B'Elanna nor Janeway had even considered, especially when it involved people. He always knew what to say, how to diffuse a tense situation, or to connect the dots between the boxes they were all thinking in. He stood for that part of herself that she was still finding - a part of humanity that was still intangible to her, a part that she wanted to know so badly. He was… unique. She nodded her head in agreement, feeling a burn at the back of her throat that was disrupting her vocal abilities.

"I do hope that you will talk about it though," he said now examining her face. "It will make you feel better. Perhaps the Doctor?" Seven looked away, desperately wanting a distraction.

She had talked about it. And she had felt better afterwards. Right now she was feeling a strange sense of guilt for that and something in her was afraid to tell him so. If she told him, perhaps he would be wounded that she was not just afraid to talk about the problems that swirled in her mind, but that she had simply been afraid to talk about them with him.

"I should get back to work," she said jumpily and moved to a station, her fingers working sensed him watching her and it made her spine straighten as she prepared for his questions and hoped for his departure. Her fingers flew faster over the controls as she felt him moving closer behind her.

"I know it's difficult to ask for help sometimes," he said lowly from behind her, "especially when you may be aware that there is nothing that can help change the situation that is causing the pain." He moved around her and leaned on the console she was working at. She flicked her eyes briefly towards him and stiffened but continued working, not wanting to listen.

"It helped me."

She finally stopped working and looked at him, her fingers hovering over the console but her attention diverted. He smiled in victory.

"You did not talk with me," she stated flatly, pulling her hands away now and regarding him fully. He did not appear perturbed as she had expected.

"No…," he said, stretching the word in an obvious manner. "You didn't seem to want to."

She blinked with discomfort at being reminded of her failure. However, when she had realised her mistake, she had belatedly offered her assistance in the 'thinking' he had said he needed to do. Especially since her display of physical affection had not been met with as much exuberance as she had expected.

"I have told you of my Spirit Guide," he explained and she nodded. She was intrigued by his people's traditions but was highly skeptical about this being that existed solely to guide him in his life and which curiously took the form of an animal. "Well, She didn't want to talk either. Or at least not about what was bothering me." He grinned and it made her feel more at ease.

He seemed amused that neither had wanted to talk to him - perhaps he was trying to insinuate that the problem was neither her nor his guide, but he himself. It was a logical conclusion she decided.

"I tried to force the conversation with both of you to ease my pain," he explained, "and it failed. Instead the conversation sort of… found me… when it was right."

Chakotay smiled remembering those moments in Kathryn's Ready Room. He had wanted and indeed considered talking to her about his concerns but she had been so distant recently he was reticent to approach her even though he ached to. He had been shot down at his first attempt to lure her in with a home cooked meal and he was reluctant to try again.

In the last year, she had been almost slicing the remains of their friendship out of her life like a stubborn scab that she wanted to get rid of, piece by piece as it dried up. He wasn't sure what had changed between them but for months now she had been pushing him further out until there was no longer much between them besides their work. Maybe it had been Kellin, maybe Jaffen, perhaps Kashyk… all of them, or maybe none. He couldn't say when the shift had happened, but it had happened, and he had grown increasingly saddened by the loss of her, and the loss of his hopes for their future.

As he watched Seven now he supposed the void that Kathryn had created had encouraged him to fill it with something else. When Seven had propositioned him, his initial reaction had been to draw away. In the past his feelings for Kathryn had schooled him towards this reaction. Aside from the emotions he had harboured for his captain was the fact that any potential romantic entanglement on the ship could cause issues. It was even one of the reasons he had almost talked himself out of pursuing Kathryn: dating on Voyager could interfere with a lot, the least of all ships business, and that was if it worked out. If it didn't… well, that was another story. However, as a… wise man had once said to him 'It's not the opportunities we take in life that we usually regret. It's the ones we walk away from'. The original advice had been in relation to Kathryn, and he would never regret taking that opportunity. Or trying to take it. At least by trying he had found that Kathryn felt something for him too. But she had made it clear nothing could happen with them while she was captaining Voyager in the Delta Quadrant. He remembered the words she had left him with that night.

_"I'm not saying never… I'm saying not now… not until I'm no longer responsible for your life."_

Hope had sustained him a long time. He could wait. For Kathryn. And in the meantime, friendship would suffice. But now they barely seemed to have even that and so hopes for more were infinitesimal at best and with each passing year, so was the prospect of reaching the Alpha Quadrant. The same wise man had said 'do it today, because tomorrow waits for no one'. Even he had to admit, waiting for happiness wasn't favourable to his well-being, not when he craved companionship so much, and in the Delta Quadrant he could never be sure when would be his last day.

So in the absence of even friendship from Kathryn, he went in search of something to replace it… her. His feelings for Kathryn were a thing of the past, locked tightly in that holodeck where she had left them keeping Venice company. And they would stay there with the soft music, rippling waters…

Unbidden, another flash ignited his memory and carried him back to Venice…

_He bent toward her, softly touching his lips to hers. The spark that ignited sent pleasant electric waves arcing through his entire body…_

Chakotay cleared his throat and willed his brain, and embarrassingly, his body to come back to the present.

If he was honest with himself he was finding it harder than expected to let go of Kathryn. And the memory of her, that kissing Seven had ignited last night, was assaulting him with the ferocity of those newborn emotions from four years ago. He couldn't be sure why, it was as confusing as it was infuriating. He forced himself to focus back on Seven again. Back to why he had let Kathryn go, and embraced this new opportunity. An opportunity to be happy - maybe.

He hadn't expected much at first but soon he had been pleasantly surprised to find he very much liked Seven. Being with her was like a breath of fresh air. She had such a strange outlook on all things and it intrigued him, even surprised him daily how she thought and how she reacted to the most mundane things. She made him feel alive again, she made him feel free, free of barriers and limitations, free to say and do what he liked… what he felt. It was… nice.

_It had also felt nice with Kathryn today_, his brain reminded him stubbornly. Chakotay cleared his throat and tugged on his earlobe.

"And when was it right?" Seven asked, bringing him out of his reverie.

He blinked once and answered, "When I was ready - when she was ready."

Seven frowned at him and noted that alongside his emotional behaviour in the past minute, that she could add nervous fidgeting to the list of: distracted, heightened pulse, increased respiration and dilated pupils. Perhaps he was also afraid to disclose to whom he had relayed his fears. She was curious though, and pressed further.

"She?"

_No point in hiding_, he decided. Kathryn was his best friend and if he and Seven were to get serious he had to be completely open, especially about his relationship with Kathryn. Someday, she may figure out just how close he had once been with her, and he didn't want it to be something that would upset her or their relationship.

"Kathryn." Seven's forehead creased but the expression was gone quickly.

"The captain."

He nodded, aware that she was probably not used to anyone calling the captain by her first name.

"Intriguing," she stated.

"Oh?"

His answer made Seven feel a lot more relaxed. Not only because he had trusted her enough to tell her whom he had confided in, but because they had both chosen the same person to talk to. She saw it as a sign of commonality. She had a close bond with Captain Janeway, but she had observed that many on the crew kept a great distance from her. She had once asked The Doctor about it and he had explained the distance that Starfleet captains were encouraged to keep given the decisions they might have to make and so she had subsequently inquired as why she was different. He had said she was unique. When she had observed that Chakotay also had a closer relationship to Janeway, she had concluded that he was also… unique. Since then, her conclusion was continually affirmed, more so since she had engaged him romantically.

"I also confided in the captain," she confessed. Her voice was even and devoid of emotion but she was sure she was giving physical cues that belied her tone, cues that her body was not permitting her to control right now. She waited while she saw several emotions cross his face, unable to catalog them all she simply waited. Then he smiled and let out a long breath.

"You know," he began. "Sometimes I forget how well you can both surprise me." Seven returned his smile, glad that he was not upset that she had chosen the captain to confide in. "I'm really glad you talked to her."

So was Seven, and though she felt that while he meant that, she wondered if he was subdued because she hadn't confided in him. She felt compelled to give him something, share something with him that she was at ease with. The captain seemed to be a common topic, a comfortable topic.

"She makes me feel…" Seven titled her head and considered her words carefully. "… safe."

Chakotay smiled widely and nodded.

"She makes you feel safe as well?"

He was completely unprepared for what she had just asked and yet his brain answered for him.

_Loved_.

Chakotay was so shocked by the thought that bubbled up in answer that he didn't take the time to thank the Spirits that this time, he had at least managed to keep his mouth shut while thinking such forbidden thoughts. He also didn't notice the silence that stretched out as he wondered why his brain had delivered that information.

_Loved, she makes you feel loved._

Or she had in her Ready Room earlier. She had been distant, then pensive, concerned, for a moment even fierce but then, then she had been loving.

_Like a friend_, he reminded himself.

"Chakotay?" Seven was growing worried about the panic on his face and the prolonged silence. Had she said something wrong?

He shook his head, smiled tersely and answered, "Yes, of course. Safe."

_Liar_.

Evidence to the contrary - lately, Kathryn Janeway was making him feel anything but safe. Perhaps a little concerned for his sanity, but definitely not safe. Safe was definitely not lying to your girlfriend about the woman you pine after.

_Used to pine after._

"I'm glad you feel better," he said finally.

Seven eyed him with concern and wondered aloud, "Do you feel better?" She was clearly seeing something to the contrary.

He nodded. "Better, but still not…"

"Right?" He smiled at her. "Perhaps you should talk more with the captain," she proposed and his eyebrows climbed his forehead.

"Perhaps," he said quickly, then moved towards the door. "I need to be in Engineering in five minutes. I better get going." When he was gone Seven wondered about his emotional state. He seemed erratic, something that was very unusual for him.

_Perhaps I should seek the captain's counsel on this, _Seven thought.

* * *

AN: I have a week long workshop next week so my days and evenings will be too full for very much writing - so please be patient for the next chapter!


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